Let's Go Back in Time...

In the "about me" section, I mention living two lives.  And I have.  I lived my first life in the "ignorance is bliss" way.  We are indestructible, we live forever, we can be crazy and take risks, and there are no consequences.

My second life began on July 25, 1998.  This was the day my older sister was killed in a car crash.  It changed everything in my life.  Suddenly I could take nothing for granted.  Suddenly it could be me. 

I won't spend much time on this because, frankly, even thirteen years later it's painful and not something I revisit often.  I have an amazing family and two other siblings I love more than anything.  Every day I am reminded of my sister in some way or another, and every day I live with losing her and her not having the opportunity to meet her nieces and nephews, husbands and boyfriends.

It doesn't take a visit to a psychologist to know this is where my neuroses stem from.  Fear of loss - of course.

When I found out I was pregnant, it started in complete and utter bliss (or maybe back to my "ignorance is bliss" time)!  Until...the horror stories started.  People share the stories of anything and everything that can go wrong, and all I needed was one little seed planted to let it sprout into an amazing forest of thoughts, concerns and all-out fear. 


So let's move on to post-baby.  Post-baby crazy behaviors.  Where it all intersects - the car.  The fear.  The terror.  The "what if?" moment as I check the rear view mirror or am constantly checking the cars all around me to make sure they stay where they should be.  This delicate little perfect being, and the thought of ever losing that is too much to handle at times.  Maybe it was post-partum, but I think it was just the reality of life that set in.  A little too much awareness.  I still struggle with this one every day, even 2 1/2 years later.  Car trips terrify me, I breathe a sigh of relief when we arrive at our destination.  I'm not sure what I'll do when he turns 16! 


Next stop:  Why Can't I Have Another One?

And so it begins...

It all started a little over three years ago.  On October 3, 2008 I found out I was pregnant.  My husband and I had been married for four months, and we knew we wanted to have children right away.  And it wasn't too long before we were! 

My beautiful baby boy was born 4 weeks early in May 2009.  But...my neurotic behavior began to occur much earlier than that.  It started as soon as I realized something could go wrong.  We'll get to all of that...

My husband and I knew we wanted a second child as we both grew up with siblings and wanted that for our son also.  However, apparently c-sections (emergency, not elected) can result in complications that make getting pregnant a second time, well, complicated.  We'll get to that too...

I've been harboring a lot of emotions since I went through the first pregnancy, and now struggling to get pregnant for a second time.  I needed a forum, and what's better for that then a random blog detailing my craziness? 

And so it begins...